Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Staying Stress Free

How am I staying stress free right now?
Wish it was Xanax.
That's how good things are going right now.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

I had a baby!

(I wrote this back on December 7th but couldn't post from my phone for some reason...)

Once upon an October I had a baby girl. 
I will write the story soon'ish.  

Today is my first day back at work  and these are my thoughts for journaling purposes-

* I hated leaving my babies this morning.  I hate giving the baby more of the prescription (special diet due to genetic disease) formula cause I didn't have enough pumped. 

*first pumping session yielded more than I pumped in two sessions on maternity leave!  Big blessing. 
*I'm mean to my husband.  I made him do the night feeding last night so I got a bit more sleep before my first day back.  But then I slept in the little man's bed to keep him asleep.  

*after being out of our home  for five  days (wood flooring being installed/sealed)  we got home at 5 lady night and had almost no food.  Which means I had nothing to bring to work today

*day 1 of eating healthier while at work -  FAIL

*work updated the whole system while I was gone so I'm SCARED TO DEATH  my times are gone forever.  So sitting here on hold with  'George'  trying to get them back. 

*500+ emails,  29+ voicemails ,  will I every catch up?  

* I'm missing my last two careers right now- banking and operations at Old Navy.  

Guess I'd better work a bit. 
Doesn't help that my coverage quit while I was  gone.....  I need to hold my babies.  

Thursday, October 6, 2016

5 days left

I have my final maternity appointment in about an hour.
I love that the hubby says this morning "well let me know if anything happens."
He says that a lot lately as though I might not let him know.

Granted I didn't tell him with the little man that I was having contractions until the next day.
Granted I didn't tell him I was having contractions this time a few weeks ago.
But it's usually because his phone is dead!

I have dropped big time in the last week.
Last week the NP told I was maybe a 1/2 inch dilated (I think she lied to make me feel better) but very thinned out (they never tell me if I'm effaced or a guess on baby's weight).

So lets pray for more today!
Getting stripped o'those membranes today too.  Gross word but exciting word if you're pregnant!

I am so trunky at work.  I am so over it.  And I know I've heard these lines 20+ times today at work, no exaggeration:
- you've dropped more than yesterday (I do like this one)
- what are you doing here?
-where's that baby?

Yup, I'm done.  I'm done nesting at home, I'm done with work, I'm done with my bra digging into the top of my belly/chest area (I am not going to a sports bra people.  WAY too big of a chest and I don't want uniboob).

So here is my sign off, hopefully, until baby girl is here!

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

A Birth Plan

First time:
My water broke at home, 37 hours later at the hospital I had a c-section.
We never did a birthing class, toured part of the hospital, and my only plan was to have an epidural.

Second time:
Since I want a VBAC, and as I sit here having contractions at work (what joy....), my plan is to just breathe like they tell you in TV shows where they go to a class.

Great planning huh?
At least this time I have the baby bag packed in advance (did it at 6am the first time) and a bag for me.
Also a bag for my son to take to Grandma's for a couple days.

So I'm partially prepared, that works right?

I never had contractions like this the first time.
It's very intriguing... 

Monday, September 26, 2016

Do I really need all this stuff?

As I'm prepping (nesting) for baby #2 to arrive in 2 weeks and 1 day (but who is counting down...) there are some things I wonder if I really NEED or just want.

Went to Ross on my lunch break today to find a bag to carry my pumping supplies to work.
Is that a NEED?  Kind of.  I don't know how else I'd carry it to work and I wanted a new bag that I could easily santize.  I also got a new insulated bag that fits inside the new one that lays flat for the freezer at work.  Kinda need those to feed my baby santitarily and to hide things a bit when I go back to work.

Hats/socks- I personally didn't want my baby girl girl coming home from the hospital in the only newborn hat her brother had- camo that says Daddy's Hunting BUddy.  I could make it work BUT.... she deserved her own.  Pink with birds it is.  And the socks?  The elastic on big brudduh's socks just felt like it was wearing out.

Bedding- yes I have four sheets from big brudduh for the crib.  but they were western sheets.  I do need to get her a couple that are girly enough.  For now the plain brown ones/brown and white checkered will do for now.

a cradle.  I borrowed my SIL's bassinet for the little man and then she had her own so it's back in her hands.  And she announced they were "trying" when we found out we were pregnant so no way was I gonna ask to borrow it again.
And I like a small thing to keep them in by me for the first couple months.
So it's not a need as we have a crib but more a want.  And it has a very "heirloom" look to it.

the fancy blessing dress- I never had one.  It's a long story but all three of us girls from my mom wore a vivid red dress to our blessings at church and HECK NO was I using that again.
I need something for the blessing but the want was the style.  I spent more than I should have but hopefully she'll pass it on to her daughter?

It's sometimes very hard to define needs vs. wants.
But when I'm hormonal, can't do much, and am having the daughter I never thought I'd have.... Eh, just let me shop. :)

Monday, September 19, 2016

False Labor

Last Thursday I woke up just not feeling myself.
I was aching everywhere, gave up and finally used the elevator once at work instead of the stairs (we're only on the 2nd floor but the 1st floor is huge so it's two flights of stairs to the 2nd).

Around 4pm I started feeling like my Braxton Hicks were hurting more in my back and everywhere.  I started wondering if they were real contractions.

5pm, on the drive home from work, timed them (what else is there to do in a construction packed highway?).
Every two minutes.
Got to my parents to pick up the little man- 5:35 and still going strong at every two minutes.

I burst into tears when my mom asks how I am feeling.
She starts laughing and smiling at me through each contraction.

Decided I should probably tell the hubby.
Text him- are you home?
Within about 10 seconds I get a FB message- Sorry honey, my phone died.  I'm home already
Me:  k well um... I'm having contractions every two minutes.
Him:  okay, what do you want to do? Do you think you need to go to the hospital?
Me: I don't want to.  I'll get home and lay down, see what happens
Him: ok
Me: charge your phone, leaving now, meet me outside

Got home and for the first time ever of requesting him to meet me outside to help me in- he was there!
And he went  straight to get the little man out of the car.
Yeah I yelled- I'm the one in labor, the 4 year old can wait!!

We went inside and started packing the baby bag (which was partially packed) and my bag.  Also a bag for little man while staying at grandparents.

Finally decided around 7 we should just go.  They weren't slowing down.
Took little man to my parents, went to the hospital OB Emergency.

They hooked me up and determined I was very dehydrated.
So I did two bags of fluid in a couple hours, watched some Disney movies, and they said they were having a hard time getting little lady's heart rate cause she wouldn't hold still.  Yup, that's my girl.  CONSTANTLY moving.

But we got the contractions to slow down, got home around 11:30pm and here I am at work again.  How exciting, a letdown, and now back to waiting again.

The good news is she's not here early.
Bad news is I'm not dilated or effaced AT ALL.

Countdown to schedule c-section- 21 days.  SO LONG.......

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Lets talk about Hair

My hair has always been the same color- I call it Golden Red.
The first thing my mom said when she saw me after giving birth was- look, she has red hair!

It's always been STICK straight, doesn't hold curl, and could never be called thick.

When my mom and sister were pregnant their hair changed to curly.
I had high hopes for this- cause a girl with straight hair wants curls and a girl with curls wants straight hair, right?

First pregnancy- hormones didn't get high enough to do anything before I lost that one
Second pregnancy- the last trimester my hair grew like CRAZY, got awesomely thick, and was just pretty.
Third pregnancy- last trimester my hair is again growing like CRAZY but the thickness this time is just kinda annoying.

But after the second pregnancy- it all fell out and I had to cut it short for a bit.
NEVER did it get curly or even a possible wave.

Third pregnancy- I know it'll fall out again.  It's just being weird.
If anything it's holding curl worse than in my whole life.

Hormones do some crazy stuff for sure!

But once I get back down to my goal weight the plan is to go pixie again and blonde just one time. :)

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Good News and Time to Walk

Good news- baby girl is not breach anymore!  She is very much head down.
Bad news- not dilating yet.

So time to start walking the neighborhood like crazy, eat spicy food, keep taking the stairs.
I can do it!

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Affairs in Order

With that panic I had this morning I just realized- I need to "put my affairs in order."
Which almost feels like I am planning on a death or something horrible!

With my job there is a lot going on in the fall- tons of new schools coming on board who need hotels, meals, transportation, etc planned ASAP so their schools can approve the trip and plan a budget for everyone.

And with me being gone I have 4 people covering (yeah I'm that cool) my cities.
And I need to get things ready for them to understand where I am at!

So at least I'm not bored right now?


I was just looking over my calendar at work, seeing when my next few calls to directors are, and realized- the date we may schedule my c-section if this little girl hasn't turn is LESS THAN FOUR WEEKS AWAY!  I think I have a ton to do... Like maybe get some newborn diapers?

We (well, little man and I) put together little lady's dresser on Saturday.
Of course one drawer just doesn't fit no matter what we do and it's non-returnable.
So that made me not want to fill the other drawers up.  Too frustrating.

But it's in the bedroom now.

Little man slept through the night (mostly) last night!  I'm pretty sure he sleep walks 2/3 nights cause he'll come in and seem to be staring right at me but his eyes are closed and he won't respond.

So I picked him up (yes, I'm 35 weeks pregnant and shouldn't have but it kept him asleep while dad snored beside us) and put him in his bed and he stayed asleep!  I got almost 9 hours of sleep last night which is the most I've had in weeks.

And the in-laws had a hike yesterday which of course at this point would have killed me.
So I got to stay home, alone, for 3 hours and veg and nap.
If it wasn't for the fact that I am SWEATING TO DEATH right now it would have been great.
And that was with a fan within two feet of my body.

But these complaints are all so minor.
I don't have it so badly- hubby has swollen ankles lately due to 10+ hour shifts at the bank.
But mine are not swelling (yet)!

My next appt is Thursday- we'll find out if she's breech and if these MILLIONS of braxton hicks have done anything yet.  *wish me luck!*

Friday, September 2, 2016

Split Views

View #1
I love my job.  I love seeing the students and directors having a fabulous time, learning more about their "craft," and gaining some amazing experiences they will always talk about
My job has provided me with amazing experience to travel a bit around the country, get into theme parks for free, many amazing free meals, and staying in fabulous resorts for free.
I get discounts to things, meet amazing people, and it got me out of a job where I wasn't progressing.
Most of the people I work with are great and we all have the same passion with this job.
we get shortened hours in the summer which is great

View #2
I need a new job.
I had the highest revenue in years of anyone in my department (I hit over a million dollars!) yet my bonus was 1/2% of that.  not even a full percent.
We're micro-managed.
We are told to get a hold of schools vocally within 7 days- not 7 business days, but 7 calendar days.
If we don't- we don't get part of our bonus.

Hence the post today- I was just told if you hit 85% of your vocal contact you can go home early.
I am the last one here cause I'm at 81% despite having almost double the groups that anyone else has.
There is no way to affect if a school is going to call you back- you can call/email every day but you have no way to MAKE them call you in that 7 days.

I'm pregnant, so my hormones are high, but that almost made me cry that my manager won't let me go home when I am the only here, I have already surpassed my goal for 2017 (yes, 2017!!), and have only taken 3 full vacation days so far this year.

Day 246 of 2016- no real vacation taken.
Wait, I take that back- I took a half day on  a Friday and we drove 2 hours away for 3 days and 2 nights.

I swore I would look for a new job on my maternity leave.

but another plus to this job?
They are SO nice to moms.  If I need to run home and nurse my baby cause he won't take a bottle- no problem.
If I need to run home to a sick baby- no problem.
No grief about pumping 2-3 times/day.

Also next summer I may be allowed to work from "home" if hubby has an internship out of state.
and when hubby graduates spring 2018 I am gone, retiring, kaput from the working world of 9-5.

So do I switch jobs just to make a little more money and treated like I'm valued when I made the company so much money?
I hear most companies give you 10% of your revenue goal.

Is it worth it with a new baby coming?
I really don't know.
On days like this I feel like I deserve so much better.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Life is Precious

When we say our nightly family prayers I always make sure to pray for safety in our travels.
We're a busy family right now- the hubby is working again and school is back in session.
I work full time.
The little man started preschool and has 4 different babysitters throughout the week to help us.

So we are on the road a LOT.

That being said I made a call to the hubby right as I got to work- "There's a reason I pray for safety in our travels."
I let him know I am fine but I had a BIG scare.
I don't know exactly what happened as I wasn't distracted by anything in the car but suddenly the car in front of me was almost at a standstill on the freeway.
I slammed on my brakes, the car went sideways and suddenly I was across three lanes of rush-hour traffic.
All I could see was cars coming my way and that I barely missed the car in front of me by probably an inch.
But then I guided the car to the left side, pulled over, put on my blinkers, and just sat there.
Amazed I could get across all the lanes, not be hit, and that other than some hot brakes and lotsa smoke from my tires, I was fine.

But why?  I deserved to be hit, to have my precious car totaled (she's paid off, I bought her in college 12 years minus 20 days ago, I know because I bought her on my birthday).
It was obviously my fault.
But I am unharmed.

I keep reading stories of pregnancy loss, infant loss, etc.  I don't know why...
And I realize this baby is SUCH a miracle.  I'm 34 weeks and am having SO many braxton hicks mixed with some stronger contractions that wake me up every night.
But how amazing is this baby that she is still kicking and poking me like crazy.
She's still strong, healthy, and seemingly happy.

My son loves me.
He is always asking if I'm okay, if he can kiss me better, and telling me amazing stories.

My husband is working his tail off to make our lives better.
He's frustrated/busy/tired but still keeps at it.

I love my life and am grateful nothing worse happened this morning or to the life I am carrying.
(yes I made us wear matching shirts to a theme park)

And more from just life lately...
First dentist appointment- clean bill of health!

Wanting to drink with the dogs.... It was juice

The same smile I had at this age

My boys always on their toys

because any box at this age is cool to play in

Little man looks tired and he was.

Same car mentioned before- had to get some things fixed a few weeks ago and hubby felt very manly

Avengers push up contest!

My baby is growing up!

Monday, August 15, 2016

Update on Life

(just talking about my full-term pregnancies here)

First pregnancy- you keep track of every appointment, save all the reminder cards, take a bump picture, and remember how many days/weeks/months you are.
And you don't understand why other mums would say they want it over.

Second pregnancy- I'm just trying to make my appointments during lunch only so I don't have to use PTO.  Keeping track of appts on google calendar cause I have no where to put a reminder card.  I've taken 2 bumps pictures and I'm pretty sure I'm 32 weeks this week but I know I'm about 7 1/2 months?  8 months?  Going on the fact that my due date is less than two months away.
And I get why other mums want it over now- just to have NORMALCY back in bathroom trips, underwear, sleeping on your stomach, and just to get into a new "normal" of life

Left work to go to my doc appointment today- the 32 week (I only know this cause I called them and they let me know it was the 32 week appt).
Car wouldn't turn over- nothing, no click.  Radio/dash/air all worked still.
Battery is over 6 years old.  Sigh.

Call hubby (he started working for the first time in 4 years a month ago- yea!) and luckily he works later so he comes to take me to my appt.
We live over 30 minutes away.
I called the doc and just said forget it- I'll come to my scheduled appt next week (I'm on the bi-weeklies now but rescheduled last week's to take little man to preschool for his first time, shed a tear).

So hubby gets there.
We drive to Walmart by our house to get a new battery.
Go home, I eat cereal while he gets ready for work.
I deal with the in-laws dogs and make sure they poop (I love that with animals/kids life is just about poop.  That's it- poop).
Then drive hubby to work a half hour earlier.
Get to work and there's not much to do since my directors are all back East and 1pm is their 3pm departure time.  Sigh.

Sent little man to our family ranch today with my parents, a niece, my sister and brother.
Really couldn't find another babysitter and he's been BEGGING to go to the ranch.
Well now he won't be home until after 7pm.
Hubby gets off work just after 7pm.
I get home around 5:30pm.
What to do, what to do.

I could go get screws from Home Depot to put the crib together (since hubby accidentally dumped our toolbox on the deck and PRETTY SURE all the screws I painstakingly saved in their for the crib all fell to their deaths).  I could just relax and watch Netflix (need a new show!).  Start laundry.

I haven't had time alone at the house in a LONG time.
Way too long.
No idea what to do with it.

Monday, August 8, 2016


Today is my 5 year anniversary for my job.
Truth: this is crap that nothing happens.  I have been told by a few people I look big into my pregnancy today.  Good thing it isn't my birthday- I'd be even more upset.
I think I get a picnic blanket at the quarterly meeting for hitting 5 years.  Yea.....

Sleep training our little man for like the 4th time ever?
Truth:  everyone makes it seem like you do it the first time it sticks.  NOPE.  Little man got a cold last year and stopped falling asleep on his own.  So being an only child we spoiled him and would lay with him until he fell asleep.
Started last night by just sitting in the glider in his room while he fell asleep.  Which was great cause he didn't complain AND that chair is so comfy right now.
He was always the best sleeper until that stupid cold...

This is my third pregnancy, second to almost full term.
Truth: You really don't keep as much track after the first one.  I honestly am not quite sure what week I am.  I think 31 weeks....

I wasn't able to nest last time because of the issues with that pregnancy limiting my physical capabilities
Truth:  I think the hubby may kill me for the nesting I am doing now.  Lets just say the family room looks like we're moving in or out, not just organizing.

I don't ever want to own a dog or any furry creature.
Truth: Since living with my in-laws they now have two dogs and my SIL's have all bought dogs and snakes.  I never touched a snake before two weeks ago but this sweet little one wasn't too bad (no picture of me holding her but this is my little man who was so soft with her).
So my hubby and the little man may push me for a dog.... Dang it.

My work season starts on Thursday for 2017 (even though we started work on it back in May but now it's "official").
I have double the amount of work anyone this season (it can never be predicted) and I have until mid-October before I go on maternity leave and have to get everyone contacted, contracted, and firmed up before then.  So that when I come back in December I don't die.  Which I might do anyway

Yesterday at church I combined classes with another lady and she filmed my class for her little youtube channel she does with her famous husband
Truth:  IT REALLY BUGS ME that I try to not show much of my son on social media but now he's on this wildly popular youtube channel?  Also, why is she filming in CHURCH?  They actually tell us not to.

Little man starts preschool on Thursday as well which he is so excited for.
Truth:  I am apprehensive, nervous, scared, excited, and gonna cry.

My emotions are all over the place right now and part of that is I just wanna be honest with people.
I'm tired, my clothes don't fit, hubby started working again, and I just wanna take a week off (which I have the PTO for but gotta save that for maternity leave).

But I'm healthy.
The baby is healthy.
My boys are healthy.
I just might survive....

Monday, July 18, 2016


Right before I announced to my in-laws about pregnancy #2 my sister-in-law said she had a dream we were pregnant.
Then she and another sister-in-law said they dreamt it was a boy.

When my middle sister-in-law announced she was pregnant the younger sister-in-law said she knew someone was.

My in-laws have a weird thing where dreams kinda come true or tell a truth to them.
I think it comes from my father-in-laws side as he says he has these dreams all the time- he just chooses not to share 99% of them.

With this third pregnancy my younger SIL and my husband both kept dreaming it was a girl way before we could tell on an ultrasound (and if you know our genetic history having a girl from my husband is scary- she'll be a carrier of his disease, could be symptomatic, etc and it's scary).
And they almost dreamt it would be a little girl with dark, almost black, hair.

I've been having a hard time this pregnancy- it wasn't planned, my husband is still in school and I'm the main provider, and it started out really scary and for 2 weeks we were told I was most likely miscarrying.

So when I went to my final ultrasound alone, saw a BABY, I was kinda shocked.
You start getting ready for another loss (very similar to pregnancy #1) and then get a SHOCK.
So it's been hard for me to get excited.  Then finding out it was a girl, when we needed a boy who would NOT have the disease, I've been kinda in a place of non-excitement.

I started buying some girl stuff to get excited, my son tickles my tummy and kisses his baby sister, and through all this trying to be excited on the outside where on the inside- I'm a mess.

But then I had a dream last night- I had just brought this little girl home from the hospital.
She had good chubby cheeks, just enough hair to tell it was dark, and these sweet big eyes.
She was a good nurser too (which I have to pray for as I have this blessing/curse that my milk comes in at 7 months pregnant).
And I woke up just HAPPY that she was healthy enough to nurse (part of the genetic disease is if they are strongly symptomatic they can't have protein so you usually can't nurse) and that she was so sweet.  I could just feel the strong love and need to protect her.

This makes me very emotional today but very excited to bring a sweet spirit into our home.

Also, similar to where we are now, she still didn't have a name in my dream.  We had one we were tossing around but still didn't  know.  Dang it :)

(18 weeks)
I'm 28 weeks tomorrow

Monday, July 11, 2016

VBAC with Uterine Fibroid

I had a c-section with my first kiddo (4 years and 2 days ago.  My li'l boy is SO big now).
It was a great story-
I had some contractions 2 days past my due date that were pretty consistent. But I thought- I'd rather go to bed.
So I did.
Woke up at 6am, jumped out of bed-
"Honey I think I peed the bed. I am so sorry!"
So I went to the bathroom and the peeing didn't stop (sorry if TMI).

As the hubby is asking if my water broke I notice it's meconium.

Yeah, my water broke in bed.  Not sure if that mattress cover is water proof now after we bleached it to death after that.

Went to the hospital, was the only one in L&D (which was amazing for the largest hospital in Utah), got checked in and the nurses verified it was meconium and I was in active labor.

37 fun hours labor and still only at 5cm dilated we did a c-section.
Baby was not dropping, worried about him being meconium, so we got him out.
Complications in c-section (fibroid was HUGE and they couldn't get it back in so I started bleeding out).  But everything is fine and we were home I think on Friday when I was checked in on Sunday.  LONG STAY.

So I assumed this time I would be a c-section again with the fibroid being in the same position.
My doctor agreed it would be best to just plan the c-section.

But now that the fibroid is actually NOT growing as much as last time I'm starting to think- what about a VBAC?  Hmm...

Plus the whole thing of picking the day your children will be born is
1. weird.  What if they hate the day I pick?  Mostly joking.
2. a big drama thing with family

A lot of family is born around that time and I've already had two people tell me they don't want to share the date.  SERIOUSLY?  Then my doctor is out of town the one day that would work perfectly.

So maybe I will just wait to go into labor naturally?
I enjoyed my epidural last time (that anesthesiologist was FANTASTIC!  The only thing I felt was the warm blood dripping down my back (sounds gross, sorry but I found it cool)).
But I'm intrigued by natural labor.
*Sidenote after I wrote this- the baby is breach right now at 27 weeks.  Crap.

I have an appointment next week along with my GD test (I think I'm the only one that enjoys that sugar filled juice.  Yum).  So I had better write down some questions!

Well I'm work in 50 minutes.  Sweet!
And I just secured hotel rooms for this weekend for a little getaway.  Wahoo!

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

The Little Man

My little man is turning 4 this weekend.  How is that possible?
how is it possible that he is SO tall?
how is it possible that he knows how to question me now, how to tease me, and when to hug me when I need it most?

I'm not huge into birthday parties- unfortunately I married a family who LOVES parties.
So you gotta do something (except my birthday this year which I am basically ignoring because I'll be 38 weeks pregnant.  I'm asking for car mats.  I want a boring birthday and to be ignored).

So I decided the little man's birthday is going to be a water fight.
Should be easy and cheap enough right?
Tons of Little Caesar's Pizza, drinks, a plastic pool full of water beads (cause I have TONS) and water balloons.
A basket of water guns.
A bucket full of water sponges.

There are going to be 8 kids which isn't too bad (unless my sister is in town with her kids then 10 kids total but somehow I'm thinking the 14, 16, and 18 year olds won't be participating as much when the other kids are 10, 10, 8, 7, 7, 4, and 3).

I made up a cute invitation

I can handle this, right?

Thursday, June 23, 2016

This Too Shall Pass

Today is an off day for me.
I've been a bit more down this pregnancy and that comes from a lot of outside sources as well as being hormonal.

But today is probably a day I should just go home.

1. Girl at work who has always been the "mean girl" to me adopted a baby 6 months ago.  Ignored my attempts to say congrats.  She announces today (her last day in our office before she moves and works from home) that she's miraculously pregnant.  Again- attempts denied.
So I wrote her a note congratulating her and went on a walk to avoid any attempts for her to say anything.  But then again why would she?  She doesn't like me.

2. We went to our ranch a few weeks ago and started a puzzle.  We had to put another one away to start the new one.  Yesterday and today I get the meanest texts from my family because they were going to frame the other one.  How would I know that?!  And why be so caustic over a PUZZLE?!

3. This is just a selfish complaint.  I do wish I worked for a company that gave me real maternity leave.  I have to save all my PTO this year for maternity leave and even then I'll only have about 3 weeks paid.  I hate that I'm working for a company who underpays me and all my attempts for a new better job just aren't coming through.

Rachel at work just passed a note to someone else that I think I needed today:
Remember- this too shall pass.
I needed that.
I may not survive but I know it'll pass.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Emotional Today

So here's a rant for ya:
I am sick of hearing people say awful things about these parents who have things happen to their children. You CANNOT judge the situation cause you were NOT there. Leave the parents alone and let the judging stand with your Heavenly Father.
I am sick of people not knowing people beneath them- there are people at work who have been with the company 15+ years and have no idea anything about the receptionist in our office or the front desk for our building. Get to know them- they're good people!
I am sick of people assuming that because it's a "good" economy now that everyone can get a job easily. Guess what- it's STILL hard to make enough money to get by or to buy a home. We're all doing the best we can with what we are able.
When I say hi to you in the hall- don't just give me a half smile. Try smiling and saying hi back- it might make your day a bit better to know someone noticed you.
When I hear you speak poorly of your spouse in public it makes me think you have a bad relationship. Only speak poorly of a spouse if they are ABUSING you verbally/physically and you need help.
We're a great human race- we have amazing things.
We have these phones that can teach us anything.
We have the right to attend college and vote for laws.
You are not restricted by your religion, your gender, or your status in society.
Do something good with your life and stay positive!
The other options just aren't good enough for you.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Our Humbling Experience

It's no secret that we live with my in-laws.
We have for the last year and a half.
And had hoped to move out around this time as Caleb would have one year left of school and hopefully a job already.

Set backs happen and we're now looking at 3-4 years with my in-laws.

There are options to move out but on my salary alone- we'd be moving about an hour's drive away from work/school/babysitters.  Not ideal.  It's expensive in the Salt Lake Valley.

We're struggling right now.
Struggling to fit in with a neighborhood that is well established- sick of the jokes about how long school is taking, sick of the lessons at church where people talk about building their next house, the vacations they take out of the country, etc.

Sick of being left out of things.
Or being judged cause I work full-time and therefore can't take my child to the play date/preschool everyone else is taking their kids too.

Our situation is different but NOT unheard of.

So we must either humble ourselves more, suck it up to survive 1-2 more years, or we can buckle down and sacrifice.

I can get another job that pays better (trust me, I am trying!), Caleb can get a part-time job (he is trying as well- if anyone knows of a good job that won't make him work Sundays PLEASE let us know), and then we could afford to move out or afford daycare/preschool.

But I want to stay home.
I'm having our 2nd child in 4 months and I want to be home with my kids.
But it won't be possible yet.
And we're sick of the judgment for our situation.

It's not a forever situation, it's not like we WANT to be living in a cramped basement.

But it is our humbling experience and we're kinda stuck for now.

Monday, May 23, 2016

What Men Don't Think About

On Saturday we went to visit my hubby's best friend and his family to see their new house and help in the yard (which ended up just being the hubby helping in the yard as my 20 week pregnant body says NO to bending and stooping).

These friends are really conservative with money and made some very wise decisions with their house that really got Caleb and I thinking- hey, if we really buckle down, we could probably afford a house while he's still in school!

So we went over some basic numbers on Sunday and think it's possible.

But I reminded him- my main priority right now is affording a longer maternity leave than last time.

I took 6 weeks last time, which was perfect for healing from a c-section.
BUT I regret not taking longer so I could have more time with my son.

So with this baby I'd like to take 10 weeks which would give me a good chunk of the end of the year off.

Hubby- "Oh, I didn't factor in your time off work for maternity leave."

Oh what men don't think about.

Luckily I KILLED it with my goals at work
*sidenote for a pat on the back- I am the only team member to go over a million dollars in revenue this year AND I hit 131% of my goals, hurrah!
So my bonus come August should be substantially greater than it's ever been.

So if we budget just right I should be able to afford that maternity leave, no problem
PLUS make a big payment on my student loans
PLUS pay for fall tuition for the hubby

But factoring in saving more for a down payment... Something we'll need to figure out.
We do already have some money saved for that but would like it to be more so the mortgage is a bit lower.

But we are kinda excited about these thoughts/ideas of being on our own.

It's nice to think like an adult sometimes. :)

But wait. We've been living with the in-laws for almost two years now.
if we buy a house we have to factor in bills- power, internet, gas.

Never mind.
We're not going be adults.
I'm good where I am.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Answers and Wonderments

It's a girl.
I cried.
Caleb comforted me and was more excited.
Since I was 10 I only wanted boys.
Now I have to buy pink.  I always hated pink.
But I am wearing the one pink shirt I own at work today to announce.

My last pregnancy I hated all meat (I could cook it but not eat it).
I loved anything lime and TONS of drinks.

This pregnancy I CRAVE meat (except chicken).
I hate drinks and mostly hate anything sweet.  Sugar makes me sick.

I should have known with the cravings that a little girl was taking over my body.

She moves a TON all the time!
Except during her ultrasound.
She was laying on her side, towards my back.  Therefore we got HORRIBLE profile shots compared to the Little Man who was in a perfect position.
Luckily she turned just enough to prove she is a girl.

So there ya go- I get to raise a girl now.
Apparently I needed more blessings and trials in my life? :)

Thursday, May 12, 2016

My Big Belly

In 2011 I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks.  We discovered a VERY large fibroid tumor on the top of my uterus (I guess the most rare and the best place for one to be).

Luckily I was able to get pregnant two cycles later and we had a baby boy in the summer of 2012 after a VERY painful pregnancy due to the fibroid.

*I usually call it the tumor cause I get a better reaction out of people.  I'm an awful person! :)

The fibroid was HUGE at the end of my pregnancy with the little man.
So huge in fact that I only felt the baby on one side of my body because the fibroid took up the other half.
My son was 9 pounds.  So I was ENORMOUS with him and the fibroid.
This is me at about 36 weeks on our Babymoon.  I'm only 5'2".  No where else for the baby to go but OUT.

So with my current pregnancy we were told the fibroid would do about the same thing- cause tons of pain for me (something to do with once the tumor runs out of the blood supply from your body it causes tons of pain until it just stops seeking it for  a bit) and make me huge.

I am 18 weeks right now.
I have been feeling this little one since about 11 weeks which is INSANE but the fibroid has pushed my uterus clear over to the left side making any movement from this little one right close to the surface.
Which is cool but crazy I could feel him so early on (I say him because I want/need a boy.  That's for another post).

But I cannot feel him on my right side at all.  It's like a dead space on that side.
Which is kinda weird.

So this next Tuesday we find out what we are having- I am extremely apprehensive but my little man keeps asking when his baby brother is coming out.  So I guess we gotta find out if he is having a baby brother!

Monday, May 9, 2016

Living with the In-laws

We have been married 5 1/2 years.
We have moved 4 times.

Personally I LOVE moving.  I love dejunking, I love cleaning, and I like organizing a new place.

We've now been in my in-laws basement for 1 1/2 years.  The longest we have been anywhere and I am going BONKERS that so much of our pretty STUFF (yes, stuff) is in storage and I can't use it.
Our new couches, the kitchen table my grandma bought right before she died, and my own dishes and kitchen supplies (which as a newlywed you get awesome stuff- you want to use it!).

In addition to this STUFF I look around our little area and wonder why there's still SO much making it cluttery.
We live in a small space-
Little man has the only bedroom in the basement.  We are SO jealous of his window.
We live in the old playroom.  Which does have the bathroom next to it so it's almost like a master bedroom.
The bathroom was just redone 4 years ago- HUGE jetted tub, granite countertop, big cabinet that stores everything you need for a bathroom.  But it is small.

We have a small fridge with a microwave on top next to the bed.
The fridge is adorable though and Caleb has already claimed it for his someday-man-cave.

There is a family room down there that the in-laws said we can make our own during Christmas but need to share the rest of the year with grandkids so they have a place to play.
But it's turned more into our family room now- Caleb has his school set-up in the far corner.
And a lot of the toys have filtered out there.

I have this strong desire to de-junk everything (plus in doing so in the spring preventing SPIDERS everywhere as the storage room in the basement is called the spider room for a reason).

But I am pregnant.
And tired.
And my husband, though he's great at cleaning, is not one for re-organizing and de-junking.
So I don't have a lot of help to get this done right now.
But I want a more simple life down there where I don't look around and get depressed that not everything has a place.

We are there for at least 2 more years until Caleb graduates.
Unless by some miracle he gets a great job or I switch to a better paying job- we are there.

My mother-in-law tells us we can never move out as she loves having us there.
My father-in-law... well I think he likes that we're clean.  :)

Using the kitchen isn't too bad.  They have all the essentials and understand we can't survive with just a microwave in the basement.

We can and shall survive and we will look back on this as a great experience and not just a humbling one, right?

Friday, May 6, 2016

Preschool and a Working Mom

Remember seeing in movies like Little Fockers that you have to sign your kids up super early for the best preschool around?

Well I assumed, living in Utah, that I wouldn't have to worry cause there's only a few amazing prep schools but TONS of other preschools.


The best one in the neighborhood, which happens to be in the house I went to preschool at, was full 1 year out and has a waiting list!
And the next best one, which is the one I preferred, also has a waiting list.

My biggest struggle is that these amazing preschools in someone's home all start at 9:30 or 1:30.
I work full time.
My husband does school in the morning and hopefully soon will have a job in the afternoons/evenings.

So how do we coordinate preschool?

We would only need to REALLY figure it out in September and two weeks in October until I got on maternity leave until Christmas.
But come January...  No clue.

I have VERY few friends who work full time (hubby in school or working).
In fact I can only think of one right now but she has an amazing babysitter that takes her kid every day, all day, and even drives to/fro preschool.  Now that's amazing!

So how do people do it?
I want my son to experience a good preschool where he learns social skills and is ready for kindergarten.
I don't want a preschool that has him in a desk most of the time.
I remember preschool really well (I started when I was almost 3 and did two years.  I remember learning how to play store, water fights in the backyard, and getting to pick a book to take home.  I was a VERY early reader).  I only remember the fun parts and rarely having to sit for very long.

Also I have a summer boy.
A lot of friends are holding back their summer babies so they're older when they start.
So I either have this year to do preschool and kindergarten next year (yikes!) or two years until kindergarten.
This is apparently called "redshirting" and I hate the term!
It's like blue collar, white collar. *later finding out this is a sports term

Why is everything about our shirts?  (mostly being sarcastic but really- how did that come about?)

Anyway our little man is totally ready social wise to be around kids.  He loves meeting new kids, playing with them. HOWEVER in church when he has to sit still for 15+ minutes he CANNOT do it.  It's not a matter of holding him in his chair, talking to him about it.  He's just not ready for holding still that long.  And I don't blame him :)

Pros and Cons of holding him back: http://www.whattoexpect.com/toddler/pros-and-cons-of-redshirting-kids.aspx

In our religion  the boys can now serve religious missions at 18 and having graduated from high school.
If we hold him back a good portion of his friends will be long gone on their missions.
If we keep him in the year he should be he'll be the youngest but still turning 18 in July he'll go right after them.

Such dilemmas I didn't know I'd be faced with as a parent!
*additionally the hubby should graduate May 2018.  If I hold little man back then we don't have to pull him from a school he's just gotten to know when we move to wherever.  And please pray we move out of the in-laws! :)

Monday, May 2, 2016

I love to write

I'm not a great writer.
I sometimes wish I had become a high school English teacher because I realize now that I loved it.
And I want to write- I have ideas, stories, thoughts, and opinions I want to share.

I have a fault- I am too honest.
My family will tell you this and consider it my real fault.
My friends will tell you this and I *hope* consider it a positive aspect of our friendship.

I've tried several blogs throughout the years and have been judged and critiqued by others and then I always felt I wasn't being true to what I wanted.

So here we are- a very honest blog where I will post what I want, leaving out too strong of opinions, but showing what my life is.

As of today my life is this:
I work full time in a fun but demanding job.
I have a 3 year old and one more child on the way.
I have been married almost 6 years to my best friend.
The plan was my husband would quit working when he had two years left of school to concentrate on projects and do internships.
3 months into our marriage he lost his job.
Mine paid enough so we were fine to let him do school full time.

Here we are 6 years later and there's still 2 years left of school for him.
We live with my in-laws which is a blessing and a humbling experience.

I rely on my faith in the Gospel of Jesus Christ and my testimony to get me through some days.

But life is good, life is fair.
I always have clean underwear!
- my mantra for 2016